I have not written in a while.  I spent the best weekend at Bottlerock!  Congratulations to Napa for pulling off the best time and silencing the critics.    On Saturday night as I was walking out of the festival amongst the throngs of patrons across the bridge into downtown, I could hear the wine train whistle blowing and noticed the lights of the Uptown theatre glowing in the distance.  It was almost as if Napa was showing off its greatness to all the people who have no idea how wonderful it is to live here.

But, on a more sour note, I spent the last four days with an ex boyfriend.  I met  him when I was 18 and lived with him for about 4 years.  We have known eachother for 30 years.  It is so strange to spend time with someone from your past that had so much volitale history attached to it.  Every few years we meet up and it almost like meeting a stranger for the first time.  Except all those feelings surface again.  Feelings that validate the reason you are not with him any longer.  Have I changed that much since when we were first together 30 years ago, or did I just tolerate a lot of condescending behavior because I did not know any better?  Do I now mouth-off in response to derogatoring remarks because I am a stronger person than I was then?  I used to shrink amid the negtivity projected my way back then. I now recognize that my ex was trying to control me by belittling me with derogatory remarks.   The past few days I did not take it.  I actually felt badly, but I was right back in his face.  I do not want to be around people who make me feel badly about myself.  I wish in a way I had responded more strongly to his controlling behavior when I first met him.  I may not have wound up where I am today, but who is to say it would have changed anything.  Could I have changed my destiny by recognizing I was allowing mean people who treated me badly into my life?  Probably not.

So, ex number 2 will be here in September to visit our dog.  Yes, he gets custodial visits with our dog!  I don't mind.  I do not think my dog remembers who he is, but she jumps in his car anyway because she she is happy to be going for a ride in a car.

I wonder if I will have the same experience with ex number 2.  Do I need these recent experiences with my exes so I can let go of them?  In a strange way maybe I have been harboring fantasies of getting back with the two men I have had long term relationships with.  After my experience with ex number 1, that has all been shot to hell.   Thank god.  I need to let these two go so I can bring in someone awesome.