Feel very humble this morning.  It is a nice feeling.  Much better than spinning out of control in my head.  Put some thought into the fact that I put myself in the position that I am in.  No one to blame but myself.   It is not a bad position, but I want more.  I want better for myself.  I want to feel confident and worthy all the time.  Not just in small amounts.  How does one achieve that when I was never shown how.  How long does it take to get it right.  I keep thinking about a novel title  Widow for One Year written by John Irving.  It was a novel I intended on reading and I left it on the nightstand at my ex's house.  It was the last thing I noticed on my way out the door that day.  I did not know at the time it would be the last time I was in that house or would speak or see that person.  The irony of the title I think about nearly every day now as it has been almost a year since I have been in any kind of relationship with someone- either mental or physical.  Is this part of my journey of self-discovery?  Was I destined to be by myself for one year so I can get it together and break the chains from my past.  Let's hope so.

Day 4 of trying to be a better person and I want to kill people. Where did my Zen feeling go?  Is it the full moon?  Where did my patience and desire for a peaceful existence go.  I have been doing a lot of reading on being present and having patience with the universe. Somehow it is failing me this morning.  My horoscope said that today I would learn what my fate would be.  So far it is scaring me.  I should hope that my life is not going to follow the stressed out evil place I am right now.  We shall see.

Day 2 of trying to be a better person.  Concentrating on being present and not letting my mind wander.  It is hard to stay focused.  Still feeling a bit ashamed, but that feeling is slowly passing as I try to focus on being a better person.  What exactly does that entail.  Being a better person?  Do I treat my boss better, do I treat our clients better?  Am I to be more kind to myself?  I see postings from friends on FB and I see their successes and their family life.  I compare myself to them and wonder where I went wrong.  How did I wind up alone?  Have I made bad decisions?  Have I brought people into my life that held me back?  I think a lot of past relationships and why they have ended.  I am starting to realize that I did just that. I brought people into my life who did not want to be in commited relationships.  I spent many years with people who had no intention of sticking around.  I should not have been crushed then when they left.  But I was.  I am trying to figure out just why I brought these people into my life.  Why would I want to be with people who were not good for me?  Did I push the relationship?  Did I push myself on people who did not want to be there?  I need to focus on the present and let the universe bring me what I need.  It sounds so hokey, but it is helping.

Feel like I need to change myself.  I do not like where my life is headed.  I do not like the person I have become or am becoming.  Where did I go wrong?  What is going on that I keep living recklessly.  Am I pushing the boundaries until I get caught?  Do I want to get caught?  Is that what it will take for me to have that "wake up call".   Is that what I need to have happen before I wake up from this mess.  I have had two incidents happen for which I am deeply ashamed.  The first incident when I was reckless greatly embarassed me and vowed to change my ways.  I did something again.  For the second time I put myself in a dangerous situation which could have ended badly.  Why do I feel the need to go to that extreme?  Do I not like myself?  I feel like I like myself.  I am trying to come to grips with this self-destructive behaviour.  Am I finally on the "path" I have been waiting for?  Is this the reasaon I am still alone?  That I do not "get" it yet and the past two weekends have made me realize that I am on a crash course for self-destruction.  I do not want that.  I want better.

Stream of consciousness writing this morning.  There is a line from a song that keeps running through my head lately.  "What do I stand for."  All of a sudden it is a powerful thought in my head.   What do I stand for?  Maybe that has been my problem all along.  Maybe that is why I have not suceeded in love.   I am possibly just going through the motions of life.  Yes, I have a job, friends, a house, all that seems satisfying.  But it is not.  I feel like something is missing.  Where is the realness?  Where is my creativity?  There has to be more to it that this.  Is my lack of something to stand for, to work for, to appreciate, to make me feel worthy, holding me back? 

I keep thinking of how past relationships have soured.  How easy it seems for people to walk away from me.  Is this due to something in my childhood?  Should I blame my mother? Should I blame lack of positive roll models?   Or is it that I put everyone else ahead of me.  As soon as I get in a relationship I cater to the other person.  I please too much.  All my wants and needs go to the wayside as all my energies are put forth to comfort and bolster the other person's needs.  It is as if the guy is the god and I am just a pleaser.  This is what is wrong.  Why on earth can I not feel that my self is just as important.  I should too have someone want to make me feel great and take care of me.  Why do I do it?  Everytime I am in a relationship I lose myself completely.  I spend most of the time worried about what I said, how I made that person feel.  What they want to do.  It really has to stop.  I am not like this when I am alone.  Why can I not keep the confident - I am awesome and worthy thoughts in my head with me when I am in a relationship?

Is it due to my lack of something to stand for?  How do I keep from falling into the same pattern with a guy?  I see other people in relationships and it is not one sided.  Both people are in in together.  Both seem confident to have their partner.  Respect their ideas and feelings.  Why do I keep failing in that aspect.  It seems I lose myself and my partner can sniff out my weakness and then game over. 

As I start to recognize these patterns in relationships, I feel I have wasted so much time.  I have had so much heartache.  Am I finally learing or is it too late.