Stream of consciousness writing this morning.  There is a line from a song that keeps running through my head lately.  "What do I stand for."  All of a sudden it is a powerful thought in my head.   What do I stand for?  Maybe that has been my problem all along.  Maybe that is why I have not suceeded in love.   I am possibly just going through the motions of life.  Yes, I have a job, friends, a house, all that seems satisfying.  But it is not.  I feel like something is missing.  Where is the realness?  Where is my creativity?  There has to be more to it that this.  Is my lack of something to stand for, to work for, to appreciate, to make me feel worthy, holding me back? 

I keep thinking of how past relationships have soured.  How easy it seems for people to walk away from me.  Is this due to something in my childhood?  Should I blame my mother? Should I blame lack of positive roll models?   Or is it that I put everyone else ahead of me.  As soon as I get in a relationship I cater to the other person.  I please too much.  All my wants and needs go to the wayside as all my energies are put forth to comfort and bolster the other person's needs.  It is as if the guy is the god and I am just a pleaser.  This is what is wrong.  Why on earth can I not feel that my self is just as important.  I should too have someone want to make me feel great and take care of me.  Why do I do it?  Everytime I am in a relationship I lose myself completely.  I spend most of the time worried about what I said, how I made that person feel.  What they want to do.  It really has to stop.  I am not like this when I am alone.  Why can I not keep the confident - I am awesome and worthy thoughts in my head with me when I am in a relationship?

Is it due to my lack of something to stand for?  How do I keep from falling into the same pattern with a guy?  I see other people in relationships and it is not one sided.  Both people are in in together.  Both seem confident to have their partner.  Respect their ideas and feelings.  Why do I keep failing in that aspect.  It seems I lose myself and my partner can sniff out my weakness and then game over. 

As I start to recognize these patterns in relationships, I feel I have wasted so much time.  I have had so much heartache.  Am I finally learing or is it too late.