Feel like I need to change myself.  I do not like where my life is headed.  I do not like the person I have become or am becoming.  Where did I go wrong?  What is going on that I keep living recklessly.  Am I pushing the boundaries until I get caught?  Do I want to get caught?  Is that what it will take for me to have that "wake up call".   Is that what I need to have happen before I wake up from this mess.  I have had two incidents happen for which I am deeply ashamed.  The first incident when I was reckless greatly embarassed me and vowed to change my ways.  I did something again.  For the second time I put myself in a dangerous situation which could have ended badly.  Why do I feel the need to go to that extreme?  Do I not like myself?  I feel like I like myself.  I am trying to come to grips with this self-destructive behaviour.  Am I finally on the "path" I have been waiting for?  Is this the reasaon I am still alone?  That I do not "get" it yet and the past two weekends have made me realize that I am on a crash course for self-destruction.  I do not want that.  I want better.