Full moon sadness

Am I feeling affected by the full moon the past few days?  Is my sadness attributed to the pull of the moon's lunar force?Does a full moon really disrupt the natural balance of things? I am experiencing great feelings of unworthiness.  I keep thinking about the comment a "friend" made a few weeks back that I had nothing going on in my life.   I took great offense to his comment as I tend to think that I "do have it going on".  But lately I have been questioning that comment.  Maybe I do not have it going on. Maybe I am not doing anything important or worthwhile with my life.  Maybe I am just wasting time thinking I have it going on.  I keep thinking about a friend whom everyone says has it going on.  She gets up every weekend and rides her bike about 30 miles each day.  Does that make her have it going on more than I?  I work, I work out, I take classes and am finishing a degree.  I am physically and sometimes mentally fit and a pretty good person.  But is that enough for someone to think I have it going on?  Am I supposed to have some hobby that motivates me and dictates how my weekends flow?  I do not really have a hobby like that.  Or are those people who have to have every second of their time planned with something to do the ones that are sad and lost?  Who is to say that they are better than me or "have it going on" because their hobbies consume their lives?  Maybe I am the one who has it going on because I am not afraid of my own company or not having a plan for every moment of the day.    Either way, I would like the full moon sadness to depart so I can stop feeling sorry of myself!   I need to appreciate who I am and where I am.  So hard sometimes.

I have not written in a while.  I spent the best weekend at Bottlerock!  Congratulations to Napa for pulling off the best time and silencing the critics.    On Saturday night as I was walking out of the festival amongst the throngs of patrons across the bridge into downtown, I could hear the wine train whistle blowing and noticed the lights of the Uptown theatre glowing in the distance.  It was almost as if Napa was showing off its greatness to all the people who have no idea how wonderful it is to live here.

But, on a more sour note, I spent the last four days with an ex boyfriend.  I met  him when I was 18 and lived with him for about 4 years.  We have known eachother for 30 years.  It is so strange to spend time with someone from your past that had so much volitale history attached to it.  Every few years we meet up and it almost like meeting a stranger for the first time.  Except all those feelings surface again.  Feelings that validate the reason you are not with him any longer.  Have I changed that much since when we were first together 30 years ago, or did I just tolerate a lot of condescending behavior because I did not know any better?  Do I now mouth-off in response to derogatoring remarks because I am a stronger person than I was then?  I used to shrink amid the negtivity projected my way back then. I now recognize that my ex was trying to control me by belittling me with derogatory remarks.   The past few days I did not take it.  I actually felt badly, but I was right back in his face.  I do not want to be around people who make me feel badly about myself.  I wish in a way I had responded more strongly to his controlling behavior when I first met him.  I may not have wound up where I am today, but who is to say it would have changed anything.  Could I have changed my destiny by recognizing I was allowing mean people who treated me badly into my life?  Probably not.

So, ex number 2 will be here in September to visit our dog.  Yes, he gets custodial visits with our dog!  I don't mind.  I do not think my dog remembers who he is, but she jumps in his car anyway because she she is happy to be going for a ride in a car.

I wonder if I will have the same experience with ex number 2.  Do I need these recent experiences with my exes so I can let go of them?  In a strange way maybe I have been harboring fantasies of getting back with the two men I have had long term relationships with.  After my experience with ex number 1, that has all been shot to hell.   Thank god.  I need to let these two go so I can bring in someone awesome.

So, I was told by someone a few days ago that I had "nothing going on" in my life.  I took great offence to this as I considered the person who made that comment a friend of mine and I was completely taken aback by his statement.  I immediately shot back "what do you have going on" and I took great satisfaction in seeing him squirm while trying to come up some response as to what made him so great.

But, it did make me think.  Why was I so offended by his comment about my life?  Do I really think I do not have anything "going on".  Am I that shallow that if I do not appear to have it together in someone else's mind that I am a failure? 

I would like to think not!  But I did start to think about what I do all day, what I do with my spare time, what I contribute to the world and to others.  I guess I was taken about by his comments because I do think I have it "going on".  ( A drunk 26 year-old did tell me that a few months ago- since I am extremely vain, I was quite flattered!)

But really, is going to work and going to play all there is?  Does someone have to be beautiful and rich to "have it going on."

I work, I work-out, I take classes, I try to educate myself and improve myself on a daily basis.  I read alot and focus on treating people well and take a Buddhist approach to daily life.  I go the extra step But, is that it?  Should I be doing more to have it "going on."   Or should I just find peace with myself and quite worrying what other people think of me.  That seems to be what I need to do, but it apparantly is very hard.

Feel very humble this morning.  It is a nice feeling.  Much better than spinning out of control in my head.  Put some thought into the fact that I put myself in the position that I am in.  No one to blame but myself.   It is not a bad position, but I want more.  I want better for myself.  I want to feel confident and worthy all the time.  Not just in small amounts.  How does one achieve that when I was never shown how.  How long does it take to get it right.  I keep thinking about a novel title  Widow for One Year written by John Irving.  It was a novel I intended on reading and I left it on the nightstand at my ex's house.  It was the last thing I noticed on my way out the door that day.  I did not know at the time it would be the last time I was in that house or would speak or see that person.  The irony of the title I think about nearly every day now as it has been almost a year since I have been in any kind of relationship with someone- either mental or physical.  Is this part of my journey of self-discovery?  Was I destined to be by myself for one year so I can get it together and break the chains from my past.  Let's hope so.

Day 4 of trying to be a better person and I want to kill people. Where did my Zen feeling go?  Is it the full moon?  Where did my patience and desire for a peaceful existence go.  I have been doing a lot of reading on being present and having patience with the universe. Somehow it is failing me this morning.  My horoscope said that today I would learn what my fate would be.  So far it is scaring me.  I should hope that my life is not going to follow the stressed out evil place I am right now.  We shall see.

Day 2 of trying to be a better person.  Concentrating on being present and not letting my mind wander.  It is hard to stay focused.  Still feeling a bit ashamed, but that feeling is slowly passing as I try to focus on being a better person.  What exactly does that entail.  Being a better person?  Do I treat my boss better, do I treat our clients better?  Am I to be more kind to myself?  I see postings from friends on FB and I see their successes and their family life.  I compare myself to them and wonder where I went wrong.  How did I wind up alone?  Have I made bad decisions?  Have I brought people into my life that held me back?  I think a lot of past relationships and why they have ended.  I am starting to realize that I did just that. I brought people into my life who did not want to be in commited relationships.  I spent many years with people who had no intention of sticking around.  I should not have been crushed then when they left.  But I was.  I am trying to figure out just why I brought these people into my life.  Why would I want to be with people who were not good for me?  Did I push the relationship?  Did I push myself on people who did not want to be there?  I need to focus on the present and let the universe bring me what I need.  It sounds so hokey, but it is helping.

Feel like I need to change myself.  I do not like where my life is headed.  I do not like the person I have become or am becoming.  Where did I go wrong?  What is going on that I keep living recklessly.  Am I pushing the boundaries until I get caught?  Do I want to get caught?  Is that what it will take for me to have that "wake up call".   Is that what I need to have happen before I wake up from this mess.  I have had two incidents happen for which I am deeply ashamed.  The first incident when I was reckless greatly embarassed me and vowed to change my ways.  I did something again.  For the second time I put myself in a dangerous situation which could have ended badly.  Why do I feel the need to go to that extreme?  Do I not like myself?  I feel like I like myself.  I am trying to come to grips with this self-destructive behaviour.  Am I finally on the "path" I have been waiting for?  Is this the reasaon I am still alone?  That I do not "get" it yet and the past two weekends have made me realize that I am on a crash course for self-destruction.  I do not want that.  I want better.

Stream of consciousness writing this morning.  There is a line from a song that keeps running through my head lately.  "What do I stand for."  All of a sudden it is a powerful thought in my head.   What do I stand for?  Maybe that has been my problem all along.  Maybe that is why I have not suceeded in love.   I am possibly just going through the motions of life.  Yes, I have a job, friends, a house, all that seems satisfying.  But it is not.  I feel like something is missing.  Where is the realness?  Where is my creativity?  There has to be more to it that this.  Is my lack of something to stand for, to work for, to appreciate, to make me feel worthy, holding me back? 

I keep thinking of how past relationships have soured.  How easy it seems for people to walk away from me.  Is this due to something in my childhood?  Should I blame my mother? Should I blame lack of positive roll models?   Or is it that I put everyone else ahead of me.  As soon as I get in a relationship I cater to the other person.  I please too much.  All my wants and needs go to the wayside as all my energies are put forth to comfort and bolster the other person's needs.  It is as if the guy is the god and I am just a pleaser.  This is what is wrong.  Why on earth can I not feel that my self is just as important.  I should too have someone want to make me feel great and take care of me.  Why do I do it?  Everytime I am in a relationship I lose myself completely.  I spend most of the time worried about what I said, how I made that person feel.  What they want to do.  It really has to stop.  I am not like this when I am alone.  Why can I not keep the confident - I am awesome and worthy thoughts in my head with me when I am in a relationship?

Is it due to my lack of something to stand for?  How do I keep from falling into the same pattern with a guy?  I see other people in relationships and it is not one sided.  Both people are in in together.  Both seem confident to have their partner.  Respect their ideas and feelings.  Why do I keep failing in that aspect.  It seems I lose myself and my partner can sniff out my weakness and then game over. 

As I start to recognize these patterns in relationships, I feel I have wasted so much time.  I have had so much heartache.  Am I finally learing or is it too late.

I have not written on here in so long.  I have battles with myself as to what I want to reveal - how personal do I really want to be about where I am and how I got here.  Would anyone really read this anyway?  I keep thinking of the popular song on the radio that states in part "I don't know where I belong - I don't know where I went wrong."    There is so much truth to that song.  I think about it a lot lately.  How did I wind up alone here in my late 40's with no children or partner in my life!  Am I being tested by  higher beings than myself?  Am I really just a person who is going to wind up a crazy-cat lady!  Hell no.   I prefer dogs.  But, I am a successful, smart, pretty, fun, rather well-balanced person who has found herself alone!  It could happen to you! 

So, in my mind I travel back to the significant relationships I did have, and attempted to reconcile with what went wrong.  Step 1- Spend a lot of time forgiving myself for past failures, embarrassments, and cringe-worthy experiences I have had with the men in my life.   I have devised a sort-of 12 step program towards my recovery from failed relationships and to recover and move on!   I am a total romantic and used to believe that the universe put the man in front of me for a reason!  Step 2 - I do not suggest anyone think this way!  Just because circumstance has put a guy in front of  you does not mean you need to be with that person.  This reasoning is what I finally "get".  I have spent more time with men I should never have even given the time of day to, just because I was feeling spiritual and felt that the universe brought that man into my life.  Well, in a sense the universe did.  Because now I get it.  Step 3-It is OK to be alone.  Perhaps a person needs some alone time to discover what they really want and who they really want.  I guess that is my self-help advice.  However, It has been almost one year for me.  I am practically a virgin - again.  And that fact is now clouding my judgment.